It has never been a secret that many lesbian women tend to maintain a masculine demeanor, and similarly many gay men lean toward exhibiting behavior that is effeminate. In the 21st Century, I have noticed more and more that many bisexual and heterosexual women are increasingly starting to behave in a significantly more masculine manner and many heterosexual men are starting to exhibit behavior that includes more passive, feminine traits.
The important question: is this a ‘good’ thing or a ‘bad’ thing?
I think the answer to that question depends on what you are looking for in a relationship.
In the BDSM world of kinky sex (or what is otherwise known as the “fetish lifestyle”), all men and women tend to fall into one of these three categories:
- What is known as a “Top” or “Dom” (i.e., a man or woman who is the erotically dominant partner 99.999% of the time)
- What is known as a “Sub” or “Bottom” (i.e., a man or woman who is the erotically submissive partner 99.999% of the time)
- What is known as a “Switch” or “Flexible” (i.e., a man or woman who is the erotically dominant partner a percentage of the time, but other times, they behave like the erotically submissive partner)
If you are a heterosexual man, and you are a ‘Sub’ or ‘Switch’ type, it really would not be too detrimental for you to pursue a woman who has masculine traits to be your designated ‘Top.’
Similarly, if you are a woman, and you are a ‘Dom,’ it is very conducive for you to pursue and enjoy the company of men who are more submissive ‘Bottom’ types, or at minimum, a man who is a ‘Flexible’ type.
I had two interviews recently on my adult-themed podcast program entitled The Erotic Conversationalist. One was with Sex & Relationship Coach and Tantric Sex Advisor Kendal Williams while the other interview was with Erotica Novelists Megan Hussey and Saqqarah. In both interviews, my guests had criticisms of the growing trend of masculine (heterosexual) women and effeminate (heterosexual) men.
“One of the reasons why you have a lot of single, undersexed women in society is because we have a bunch of women behaving like men, and a bunch of men behaving like weak pu**ies,” said Ms. Williams during our interview. In my next interview, Saqqarah echoed Kendal’s sentiments. “I have to tell you Alan … I am not turned on at all by passive, feminine men. You are starting to see more and more of these types in society today,” said Saqqarah.
Referring back to the three categories of sexual roles, a relationship with a man and a woman who are both a ‘Switch’ can work. I have known of heterosexual couples who were able to maintain a long-lasting romantic relationship or marriage that fell into this category.
Making a relationship work with two ‘Sub’ or ‘Bottom’ types is extremely more challenging (unless it is a relationship with multiple partners, such as one ‘Top’ and two or three ‘Bottoms’). Making a relationship work with two ‘Tops’ or ‘Doms’ is damn near impossible. Two dominant personalities cannot co-exist in a long-term relationship. The relationship will become a competitive battle of egos, and will only result in argument after argument after argument. It might even result in violence.
This is why in the United States, you have only one President, one Governor, one Mayor, and one Secretary of Defense. The idea of “Co-CEOs” rarely works, but a handful of companies such as Whole Foods have made it work so far.
I remember once, me and a good friend and fraternity brother were arguing with each other on our way to visit some female companions in Santa Monica. Minutes later, he started chuckling to himself. I said, “What is so funny?” (I was still riled up) He said, “You know the problem with our friendship A.C.? You and I are too much alike. We are both Alpha Males, and we like to be in control of the conversation and dictate what goes on at all times.” Sure enough, we both laughed over the truth of that assessment.
I remember when I was in college, I took a personality test, and one of the results of that test was that I did not like taking orders from people. My academic advisor at the time said to me, “Alan .. unless you immediately plan on being a self-employed entrepreneur of some sort, you better plan on taking orders from someone.”
If you read my previous article about “Alpha Male vs Alpha Female” dynamics, you probably already know that I have very harsh criticisms of a male ‘Top’ and female ‘Top’ connecting romantically in a long-term, successful manner. With all due respect to Facebook Chief Sheryl Sandberg and mega-superstar singer Beyoncé, most men I know have never meshed well romantically with “bossy” type women.
If a woman is ‘lightheartedly’ assertive here and there, most Alpha male types generally do not have a problem with it. But once a woman reveals that she is a very ‘controlling’ type who likes to ‘wear the pants’ in a romantic relationship, the vast majority of Alpha males are going to lose interest in her. I see more and more videos on sites like YouTube.com and WorldStarHipHop.com that feature teenage and young adult women (most of them African-American or Hispanic) fighting each other in a manner like men. I find this trend very disturbing.
In September 2012, I was a featured speaker in Chicago at what is known as a “Relationship Chat.” Along with me during the event was another speaker by the name of Ami Moore, and Ms. Moore had a lot of the African-American women fired up in the audience after she boldly told them, “The reason why many of you all are still single is because many of you are too bossy! You have too much ‘yang’ in your personality and not enough ‘yin’!!” Of course, at least half of the Black women in the audience angrily challenged her assertion although I generally agreed with Ms. Moore’s statement.
In some women’s defense, legendary Pimp Robert Beck a.k.a. Iceberg Slim once said that if you take a woman who is naturally submissive, and you put her in a social environment with a number of passive, effeminate, weak men with no balls or backbone, then over a period time, her personality and behavior is going to become progressively more dominant. So, in other words, maybe the reason why there are so many masculine, dominant women in today’s dating scene is because there are too many thirsty, supplicating, weak men.
There has to be a ‘Yin / Yang’ dynamic in any romantic or sexual relationship. Particularly a long-term one. Not only would I argue that this is true with just about all heterosexual relationships, but if you closely examine most Gay and Lesbian relationships, there is usually one partner who is more dominant than the other partner – both in the bedroom and out of the bedroom.
Just last fall, I was involved in a heated debate on my talk radio podcast program, Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, about this very issue. One of my female guests suggested that most Alpha males wanted an Alpha female as a wife or long-term romantic companion. I vehemently disagreed.
Some would argue that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are both ‘Alpha,’ but I have observed these two interact repeatedly. Jolie may be very ‘Alpha’ with other women, but not so much with Brad. She usually defers to Brad when she is in his presence. Same could be said for the United States First Lady Michelle Obama. Mrs. Obama has quite a few ‘Alpha’ traits in her personality, but I have never seen her disrespect and/or attempt to emasculate her husband in public (Even the aforementioned Beyoncé titled her last tour, “Mrs. Carter” in deference to her husband, Sean “Jay-Z” Carter).
Bottom line, too much ‘yang’ in a marriage or long-term romantic relationship just does not work. Someone has to be on ‘top’ (pun intended).
If you are an Alpha female … you need to seek out passive Beta males to be your companions and husbands. Alpha males do not want your romantic or sexual companionship unless you’re willing to suppress your dominant, masculine traits indefinitely and defer to him in order to make the relationship work. Otherwise, as Ms. Kendal Williams expressed in my interview with her, you are going to grow old being a lonely, romantically and sexually frustrated woman who owns a high number of cats. If you cannot be a ‘Sub’ or ‘Bottom’ indefinitely … at least be a ‘Switch.’
Me? I prefer to have my romantic female companions affectionately (and seductively) refer to me as “Sir” or even “Daddy.”
And I can assure you . . . you will never catch Yours Truly wearing a dress or skirt. Not even in a Saturday Night Live comedy skit on NBC.
I respectfully decline to feel a breeze between my legs.
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of books, including Mode One: Let the Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking and Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Currie’s latest eBook, The Possibility of Sex: How Naive and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly is also available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format. You can also download a copy of Currie’s eBook on your iPhone, Android Smartphone, or other Smartphone.
Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, the most-listened to talk radio podcast program in the category of “Romance” and “Self-Help for Relationships” on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network, can be heard LIVE every Thursday evening at 10:00pm EST / 7:00pm PST. Visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/modeone and http://modeone.net for more details
Currie offers email, telephone, and Skype consultations to both men and women; Visit http://modeone.net/products to purchase a consultation.